It’s rarely the big things that set it off. The kids leave their shoes in the hall, someone cuts you up on the way home or your partner asks a perfectly reasonable question at the wrong moment, and suddenly you’re talking louder and sharper than the situation deserves. Ten minutes later you feel bad about it, you know it was over the top, and you promise yourself it won’t happen again. Then it does.
Many of the men who come to me say some version of the same thing: “I don’t like who I am when I’m like that.” They aren’t bad husbands, partners or dads. Most of them are decent men who have started to behave in ways that don’t match the man they want to be, and that gap bothers them more than anyone realises.
The shoes in the hall aren’t the problem
A short fuse is usually a sign of a full tank. If you’ve spent the day holding it together at work, worrying about money, sleeping badly and keeping your feelings to yourself, there isn’t much room left by the evening, so the smallest extra thing tips you over. The people at home end up getting the overflow from everything else, which is unfair on them and confusing for you.
Anger is also often a cover for something harder to say. Underneath the irritation there may be stress, tiredness, disappointment, or a sense that you’re not being respected or not doing a good enough job. For a lot of men, anger is the one feeling that always seemed acceptable, so it becomes the feeling everything else travels through.
I know this from my own life. I live with ulcerative colitis, and when I’ve been managing it and don’t have the energy to deal with things, my patience runs out and I get grumpy and snappy. What’s underneath has very little to do with whatever I’m snapping about. It’s the work of managing a chronic health condition, and the worry that comes with it.
Notice it earlier
By the time you’re shouting, your chance to choose has mostly gone, so the useful work happens further back. Your body usually gives you some warning, and it’s worth learning yours. It might be a tight jaw, heat in your chest, a shorter way of speaking or the feeling that everyone around you has become unbearably slow.
Once you can spot the early signs, you’ve got something to work with. You might also notice patterns in when it happens, whether that’s the first ten minutes after you get home, the morning rush or the end of a week with too little sleep. Those are the moments to plan for, instead of hoping you’ll handle them better next time.
My own warning signs are less about my temper and more about how I’m looking after myself. I start to lose the routines that help me, my food choices get worse and I stop caring for myself. When I notice that, I try to do one thing to help, whether that’s choosing one good thing to eat, going for a walk or writing about it.
What to do in the moment
Give yourself a way out that doesn’t involve storming off. Saying “I’m getting wound up, I’m going to take ten minutes and then I’ll come back to this” is a strong thing to say, particularly in front of your children, as long as you actually do come back. Use the time to move rather than to rehearse the argument, because walking around the block will settle you, whereas going over who said what will only fuel it.
Slowing your breathing helps too, especially if you make the out-breath longer than the in-breath. It isn’t magic, but it gives your body a signal that you aren’t under attack, and it buys you the few seconds you need.
Afterwards, come back and own your part without a “but” on the end. “I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that, I’m sorry” does more to rebuild trust than any explanation of how stressful your day was.
If you’d like to get on top of this, the first step is a conversation. Book a free 30-minute discovery call
When to get support
Coaching works well when you can see the pattern and want to change it. We’d look at what’s filling the tank, what sets you off and what you want to do instead, then practise it so that it holds when the pressure is on. I see men in Tavistock and Saltash, online, or out walking on West Dartmoor.
Book your free 30-minute discovery call
If your anger has become frightening, if anyone at home is scared of you, or if you’ve hurt someone or fear that you might, please speak to someone who specialises in this. The Respect Phoneline is there for people worried about their own behaviour, on 0808 802 4040. Taking that step is the right thing to do for you and your family.
I’m not a crisis service. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 999. For urgent mental health support, call NHS 111 and choose option 2, or call Samaritans free on 116 123, any time.
Photo by Hoai Nam Mai on Unsplash