It’s two in the morning and you’re going over it again. Should you take the job, have the conversation, sell the van, say something to your brother or leave it another month? You’ve already looked at it from every side, and you’ve made the list of pros and cons, yet somehow you’re no closer than you were on Tuesday. You feel as though you’ve been working hard on the problem, but nothing has actually moved.
Men who are good at their jobs are often especially prone to this. You’ve built a career or a business on thinking things through and getting them right, so when something important lands in front of you, you do what has always worked and think harder. The trouble is that past a certain point, more thinking stops producing better decisions and only produces more noise.
What overthinking is really doing
Overthinking feels like problem-solving, which is why it’s so convincing. In practice it’s often a way of avoiding the discomfort of committing, because while you’re still weighing things up, you can’t get it wrong. There’s a kind of safety in staying undecided, even though it costs you sleep, energy and attention at home.
Often there’s a fear sitting underneath it. You might be worried about letting people down, looking foolish, losing money or having to admit that something isn’t working. Until you’ve named what you’re afraid of, your mind will keep circling it, however many spreadsheets you make.
I should say that I’m not a natural overthinker. If anything, I tend to rush and act hastily without considering the consequences. But there’s one area where I know this feeling well. I’ve built Together Families, an app for parents of teenagers, and I’m proud of it. It could make a real difference to my life and to the lives of the people who use it, yet I’ve struggled to tell people about it for fear of judgement and ridicule. Putting myself front and centre is terrifying, it’s easier to hide away, and I ruminate about being a fraud.
Get it out of your head
The first step is to stop trying to hold it all in your mind. Sit down with a piece of paper and write out the actual decision in one sentence, because you may find you’ve been trying to solve five things at once. Then write what you’re afraid will happen, and what you’d do if it did. Most fears get smaller once they’re written down, and you’ll often find that you could cope with the worst case better than you’d assumed.
Saying it out loud works too. Talking it through with someone you trust, ideally while you’re out walking, can sort in ten minutes what has been going round your head for ten days. You don’t need them to give you the answer. Hearing yourself say it is frequently enough.
Give the decision a deadline
Open-ended decisions expand to fill all the time you give them, so set a date and a time limit. Decide when you’ll make the call, what information you still really need and who you need to speak to, and stop researching after that. Ask how much this decision actually matters in a year’s time, because a choice you can reverse doesn’t deserve the same amount of thought as one you can’t.
It also helps to think in terms of the next step rather than the final answer. You may not be able to decide whether to change careers tonight, but you can decide to have one conversation with someone who’s done it. Action brings information that thinking never will, and it tends to quieten your mind in a way that going round again doesn’t.
When you’ve made the decision, let it be made. There are rarely perfect choices, only reasonable ones that you then commit to and adjust as you go. Very few decisions can’t be improved after you’ve taken them.
What I keep coming back to is that sometimes we’ve just got to act. Courage is feeling the fear and doing it anyway, and I think the regret of leaving something undone would be much greater.
If you’re stuck in your own head, it can help to think out loud with someone outside your everyday life. Book a free 30-minute discovery call
Clearer thinking under pressure
Learning to think clearly when the stakes are high is a big part of my work with men. We get to what’s really behind the decision, separate what you know from what you fear and agree the next step, so you leave with more clarity and less noise. If you think better on your feet, we can do that on a walk-and-talk session on West Dartmoor, or I can see you in Tavistock, Saltash or online.
Book your free 30-minute discovery call
On the call you can say as much or as little as you like, and by the end you’ll know whether coaching is right for you, with no obligation either way.
I’m not a crisis service. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 999. For urgent mental health support, call NHS 111 and choose option 2, or call Samaritans free on 116 123, any time.
Photo by Ben Way on Unsplash